- The Future is Unwritten -

Hopes and wishes

Dreams and schemes
Pinning goals
To my heart
Like a vision board
Painted in song notes
Scars from
Removed tacks
Creating a sieve
Where I seep
Out sections of myself
Patchwork bandages
Made of steps forward
Letting go
Living life
Without yesterday's weight
But lifted on tomorrow's wings

- Him & Her -

Addicted to the fire

that burns my skin
when the image of you
flashes through my mind
burning so bright
that the sunspots
created blend into
the shapes of us
that love like a
heavy stone
sitting in my stomach
grounding me to the world

- Feeding You -

You walked in

emaciated.
You said you were hungry
for love
and my cabinets were full.
So, I fed you.
I made meals out of my hopes,
taking bite-sized portions
of age-old dreams
and served them to you
on a platter made from
hands destined to satiate you.
You ate every bite,
smiled, and said
"Give me more."
So, I severed pieces of myself
and steeped a stew
of hugs and kisses.
You lapped it up,
frowned, and said
that it wasn't enough.
So, I cut my bone to
make a spoon for you
to drink my soul.
You licked the bowl
and complained about
the shape of the spoon.
You walked out
plump
saying you were full
of hate
but now my cabinets are empty
and I'm starving.

- Basic -

I have brown hair and brown eyes
olive skin with thunder thighs
that greet each other at every step.

When I walk down the street
I blend in with the crowd
the masses a shroud
that casts shadows of perception

Just another beige girl
in the played out palette of neutral shades
But I am a kaleidoscope of cacophonous colors
dulled only by your idea of truth

My long locks are luxurious crops
of hickory and mocha
that fingers fueled by wanderlust
to dream of running through

The windows of my soul
are pools of chestnut and honey
whose reflection radiates a light
that keeps you warm with hope

The soft touch of my ever sun-kissed skin
never fades from memory
after being wrapped in my embrace
you're left with a smile on your face

My body is designed
like the goddesses of old
meant to carry the world
or have it bow before me

- Waking in My Own Shoes -

It's taken me a long time
to come to terms
with the peace of me,
to see myself,
to believe in the intricacies
of my personality
that give me a value
beyond a price,
to find comfort
in my own skin,
to know myself well
and not run from her,
to leave the whispers
of doubt in the wind.

- The Sound of Silence -

The echo of the emptiness
is deafening
when you're forced
to sit still long enough
to listen
the pin-drop of betrayal
the scrape of self-deception
the clatter of realization
that only I am to blame
for the disappointment
befallen me
I pushed away the truth
like Atlas trying
to toss the world off his shoulders
never quite becoming free of it
the veracity of reality
that I know everyone
but me

- Etch a Sketch -

I learned the art
of subterfuge
as easily as
learning how to walk
becoming a chameleon
or a bursting firework
in order to achieve
enamored attention
or the bliss of silence
I twisted lies in my mind
to fit the narrative
written by other authors
who couldn't name
the color of my ink
so I let them
blend it with their own
because I believed
my lies more than the truths
their actions showed me
I became an Etch a Sketch
of personalities
to be what I thought
would please them most
lying to myself
over and over
thinking the hidden
version of myself
wasn't enough
a secret masterpiece
covered in a graffiti
of falsities

- Bubba -

I met
my first
best friend
The day
I was born
He held me
like a treasure chest
And I was alone
no more
I call him
My brother
My protector
My other half
He was my
first best friend
And all the others
Had to live up
To the standard
That he set

- The Weight of Matter -

Today,
between yawns
and laughs,
work and play,
dragging minutes
and lost hours,
I didn't think
of you at all.
You were just
a faded memory
being written over
by these ordinary
random moments
that matter more.
Like an erased file
on an old desktop,
you've become
the shadow on
the hard drive
slowly being rewritten.
I forgot about
the pain
the lies
the uncertainty
the insecurity
I forgot about you,
and when I remembered,
the hurt seemed to
matter less.

- Promises, Promises -

A thousand promises
made to a thousand people
and each met
in one way or another.
I promised my family
I would do and not try.
I promised my friends
I would be their's for always.
I promised countless children
I would catch them if they fall.
I've handed out promises
like they were candy
and every day is Halloween.
But, I've never kept
a single promise
made to myself.

Filling the void

We are the mist
the rolls in
with the dawn
strong and thick
with the smell
of new life
feeding the Morning Glory.
As the Sun rises
in the sky,
we rise into the blue,
entangling our essence
with those who were
formed around us,
creating a cloud
that brings both
blessed shade
and needed rain
until the sun sets
and we fade into the stars.

- Sleepless -

I lay awake
in the heavy dark
waiting for sleep
to come calling
but instead
refuses to visit
like a stubborn child
who doesn't want
to eat their vegetables

- Escapism -

I dove into work
without a second thought.
Drowning personal struggles
in professional dilemmas.
Devoting every ounce
of myself to a passion
that can weigh you down
by the endless
outpouring of need.
I've stripped myself
to the bare bones
in order to bring
warmth to those
who feel so alone.
But now, I feel cold.

- Take It All -

Sometimes my heart
is too big.
It is a treasure chest
left open
in the center of town,
free to all
who ask.
And as they
grow richer,
from the jewels
crafted by my soul,
I slowly deplete
into an empty
shell made
of hollow bone.
The marrow sacrificed
in the name of those
who need it more.

- Relapse -

Love is like
the last few drops
at the bottom of the bottle
and I have the shakes.
Just wanting
one quick sip
to cut the edge off.
But when the taste
hits my tongue,
I can't hold back,
and the next thing
I know,
I've blacked out
on a bender
and can't find
myself all over again.

- The Line -

Know when it's
gone too far
Know when you
have had enough
Know when there
is less of you
Know when to
step away
Know when they
no longer belong

- Harmony -

We begin our lives
as a quiet note
played on the heartstrings
of our parents.
As we grow,
our own melody
is written slowly.
The chords are made
through the days
strung together.
Keys struck in the
harmony of memory.
We are an amalgamation of verses
penned by our choices.
Write your own chorus
and remember
everyone else is just
the orchestra behind you

- Trepidation -

Life moves
like river water
and we cannot
flourish if
we stand on
the shore
constantly worried
about the
current pulling
us under.

- Peacock -

You took her
plumage for granted.
You saw her bright colors
and plucked out
her feathers
to place as a display
on your mantelpiece.
You stuffed your pillow
with the down you
stole from her in the night
but demanded her to strut
for you when the sun rose.
Now that she is free,
she can unfurl outward
only for herself.

- Healing -

I’ve got that feeling in my bones
Right through to my toes
Like a piece of me finally knows
That I’m going to be fine in the end
Parts of me are on the mend
Because I know I can depend
On who I am at my core
Ready to finally enter the world of more
Than I’ve allowed myself to settle for

- Hope -

It's
a joke made
to lift us out of
a somber moment
It's
a bright green
blossom sprouting in
a blanket of snow
It's
a single ember
in the pitch black
of loneliness
It's
a momentous gift
often left
wrapped and forgotten
It's
a dangerous commodity
desperately sought
by all who have a need

- Withdrawals -

Every now and then
I find myself jonesin'
I get the shakes
as part of me aches
For what can never be.
Wishing I could unsee
the beautiful lie
that I can't deny
is the disastrous truth
of you.

- In a Name -

How does one reclaim
their own Name
when freely given?
Power Relinquished.
The Self Extinguished.
Absolute Submission
to someone else's
Composition.
A String of Notes.
A Melody of Anecdotes
penned in a hand
that's not their own.
She gave away her Name
and now lives with the shame
that she has no clue
what to do
in order to find her.

- The Forgetting -

Today, I forgot that we were over
and I wondered where you were.
I collapsed within my loneliness
when I was forced to remember.

I still miss the idea of you
that I held in such regard,
and the thought of letting go
has been unbearably hard.

The ache has, somewhat, dulled
but some part of me is lost.
The price of loving you
came at far too high a cost.

Your face is vague and blurred
in certain memories I hold.
Your laugh is slightly muted
as the flow of anecdotes turn cold.

I want to forget you completely
and be free from what you've done,
but by recognizing the pain of us
at least the healing has begun.

- Red Flags -

When the fear of being alone
Is more prevalent
Than the fear of losing
The one you're with
That's a red flag

When you spend more time worrying
About deciphering the truth
Than worrying about
Finding ways to live to the fullest
That's a red flag

When their wants and needs
Always seem to matter more
Than your wants and needs
Which are quickly put to the side
That's a red flag

When their presence is expected
To be more important to you
Than your presence means
To them
That's a red flag

When you find yourself
wondering more about your worth
Than wondering about
What they bring to the table
That's a red flag

When you see more
Red flags
Than you see
Moments of joy
It's time to walk away

- All in Good Time -

We spend so much time
trying to find
someone to fill the void
that we often feel annoyed
by those nosey voices
pointing out that our choices
are going to hurt us in the end
and we will spend
every waking moment
absolutely devoted
to those who bring us pain
because we think there's shame
in being alone
but little do we know
that true love comes when
you've found peace within.

- Grief -

while in the haze of grief
everything tastes a little gray
no matter how bright
the sunbeams high above
there's a layer of ash
that covers every surface
and each passing moment
where the clock ticks by
the sound of the gears
are duller than before

- Pieces of Me -

In my childhood,
I heard my mother's laugh
fill up a room,
so I stole it
and made it my own.
I listened to the endless jokes
that made that laughter roar,
so I stole my father's humor
and made it my own.
I watched my older brother
stand steadfast to protect me,
so I stole his loyalty
and made it my own.
I felt my younger brother's smile
warm every heart,
so I stole his joy
And made it my own.
I saw my grandmothers
look at their families with love,
so I stole the light in their eyes
and made it my own.
I watched my grandfathers
tinker, create, and build,
so I stole their curiosity
and made it my own.
I watched my aunts
and uncles and cousins
overcome hardships
and adversity,
so I stole their bravery
and made it my own.
I met my closest friends
enamored by the comfort
found in their own skin,
so I stole their singularity
and made it my own.
I am a patchwork
made of everything I loved
throughout my childhood,
and I have spent my adulthood
trying to tear it down.

- Role Model? -

They look at me
like I have
all the answers
I have
"age"
and
"wisdom"
little do they know
I am as
lost
as them

- Momentarily -

For a few
brief moments
between laughs,
pauses in conversation,
and sighs of relief
that I have known
unconditional love,
I forgot about
you.

- Tired -

I'm tired
of defining myself
by who I was
by what I've been through
by how I have survived

I'm tired
of holding me back
of wishing not doing
of waiting for life
to start or fail

I'm tired
of choosing
to not be more
to deny what I can do
to refuse to strive

- I -

I have
Changed some lives
Reached for the skies
Drowned in the rain
Pushed through the pain
Felt overrun
Melted in the sun

I can
Do so much more
Discover how to soar
Make a difference
Learn by experience
Be a beacon of hope
Find ways to cope

I will
Show myself grace
Honor my own space
Take time to rejoice
Seek out my own voice
Respect where I've been
Allow growth to begin

- Stop -

I see you
looking right through me
harboring on all
the scars
I’ve accumulated
like hoarded trinkets
I need you
to see me
for who I am today
as more than
my battle wounds
but with undeniable value
I want you
to treat me
with the dignity I deserve
instead of mocking me
through the shield
of this looking glass

- Betrayal -

Hurt has a funny taste
that lingers on your tongue
if you let the bitter residue
settle for too long
the acid of betrayal
will twist your palette
changing the sweet temptations
of future joy within you
into a sour version
of what you once were

- Fraud -

People say that I am strong

but they couldn't be more wrong.
They don't see
that parts of me
are barely stitched together.

Trying so hard not to come undone
while becoming someone
I barely recognize.
The storm in my eyes
is one I don't know how to weather.

- A Queen Deposed -

She was a benevolent queen

both good and fair.
She was always quick to love
and always quick to care.

Then one day a treacherous fool
dressed as a mighty king
wandered into her palace
with a great destiny as offering.

Without a second thought
she offered up her throne
believing she had found her dream
and wouldn't have to rule alone.

As time passed, she slowly faded
And his power took control.
Giving him her heart and light
slowly took its toll.

She didn't see her castle breaking,
blinded by his immaculate deception
Only when his true nature was revealed
did she find strength in her own perfection.

- Loss -

I'm trying to remember

what exactly did I lose?
Was it the feeling of being used?
The hours of Exposition.
The endless explanations
As to why you were
always disconnected?
You were always one foot in
and one foot out.
Did I enjoy the consistency
of being filled with doubt?
What exactly do I miss?
A man who saw no shame
in using others like a piece in a game.
Taking every dime to my name.
Robbing me of time I can't have back.
I can't figure out what it is
that I yearn for so badly.
Was it the constant bouts of concern?
Always twisted up in knots
trying to discern why I wasn't enough?
Was it how I was always so alone
even as you laid beside me?
Was it the worry that my home
couldn't keep you grounded
no matter how much I spent surrounded
by everything I thought you wanted?
Do I miss the constant insecurity
that stemmed from your absence?
Maybe I just miss the parts of me
I let you have for free
Perhaps I crave the parts of my heart
I gave away to someone
who didn't have the right
to know their fervor.
I should have saved that intensity
for someone who deserved me.
I think I've figured it out.
The truth is that I don't really miss you.
I miss the me I was trying to be
in the name of us.

- No Control -

I find myself so wildly angry

for still being hungry for you
having to constantly
remind my own mind
that you did so much more
than just betray me
but completely slayed
a faux masterpiece you created
I find myself commiserating
how much time I spend hating
that I'm still missing you
and wishing you were here
to celebrate my wins or pick me up
when the winds knock me down again
I'd cut out parts of myself
with a knife forged in lies
just to keep the idea of you alive
instead of the shattered pieces of us
those scattered shards surrounding me
eviscerating the dream
that kept me grounded for too long

- Catharsis -

When I first met you

we talked about the rain
and the threads of color
the clouds cry out after
the thunder fades
but after years of binding
my hands together in supplication
becoming a device of submission
to those who use my mind and body
like a crown crafted just for them
I lose you every time
lost to the sea of callous self-indulgence
my words becoming profoundly silent
when freedom comes from the sound
of pen and paper releasing me

- Ladylike -

What makes a woman

is not the waves of her hair
or the sway of her hips
but the fire in her stare

The height of her heels
is not what makes a lady real
it's not the smell of her perfume
but how she makes you feel

A woman is so much more
then the way she paints her face
the quality of her heart
is where she shows her grace

- Never Settle -

Part of me will

Always wonder how much
Time was spent settling for
Inadequate when I deserve
Extraordinary love
Never again will I
Consider anything less than
Exceptional

- Fragile -

Sometimes I find myself

missing the idea of
what I thought we were
your farcical whimsy
masquerading as romance
a brick house of trust
built on the bed of a river
whose rapids pulled me under.

- Forward -

Today I held

a new life
in the palm
of my hands
and took
another step
away from
my old life
with you

- Phoenix -

I have watched bruises fade

and winced at a memory
I have buried parts of my heart
and felt death pass through me
I have been burned to ashes
and rose again long before you
I have been reborn countless times
and bloomed with even greater glory

- Survivor -

I let you own me

Possess me
Flesh out parts and
Rewrite me
Into a lie of your making
Forsaking me
In the name of ego's glory
Breaking me
With the truth of you
Teaching me
The harsh reality of life
Defining me
By what I can survive

- Today -

Today I danced

as the wind tousled my hair
Today I inhaled
the scent of new book
Today I inspired
a team of children to try
Today I laughed
with parts of my heart
Today I felt
the coarse love of paws
Today I soaked
in the warm waters of home
Today I remembered
who I was before you

- I Am -

I felt so empty

a shell of
my former self
the weight of
my shattered world
crashing into me
an Atlas of
my own making
I felt so certain
that I would drown
in reality
until countless hands
lifted the pieces
of me
teaching my soul
I am enough

- Day by Day -

Some days are

better than others
Some days I can feel
the sun on my skin
and I know I'll
be alright again
Some days I can feel
the rain pour
from my eyes
and fear that love
was my demise

- Seeing Me -

I looked in your eyes

and searched for
The Sun in your stare
that light that held
every hope
and dream
and promise
of what I deserve
I looked and realized
that the shimmer that
drew me in
time after time
was my reflection
looking back at me

- Sight -

I saw you today.

A masochist's attempt
to shut a door
I left open too long
I looked into eyes
whose glimmer once
drew me in
like a moth and a flame
Instead of light
I saw the ashes
of what's left of you
and felt the embers
of my soul call to me
saying
"You shall rise again"
I saw you today
and locked the
door behind me

- Lost Me -

I once was the girl
who jived with Casey Kasem
and knew every word
to my favorite songs.
Then you came along.
I gave you my radio
and you turned the dial.
Now I can't remember
My Music.

I once was the girl
who painted portraits
of princesses from
brushes dipped in pretend.
Then you came along.
I gave you my pallete
and you traded creation for reality.
Now I can't remember
My Dreams.

I once was the girl
who lived among tree tops
thriving on the smell of sap
and the feel of moss.
Then you came along.
I gave you my hand
and you led me inside.
Now I can't remember
My Serenity.

I once was the girl
who poured out poetry
from my fingertips like
my blood was made of ink.
Then you came along.
I gave you my pen
and you rewrote my identity.
Now I can't remember
My Words.

- The Bridge -

I built a bridge

made up of open hands.

Planks made of oaths
stronger than oak.
Then, I lit a match
marked Romance
and burned both ends.
As the smoke
began to swell and I
struggled to breathe,
I waited for the fall.
Instead, I found
the bridge firmly
planted beneath
my feet.

Duplicity

Bury Your Dreams

To the Pain

I have too often
Become drunk on the disdain and pain.
The subtle shattering of my soul.
The disgusting, destructive thrill
of knowing Hope is nil.
I find comfort in the loneliness.
The way it somehow fills the emptiness.
A blitzkrieg of brutal bliss
Built with the unhindered hate
of those whose trust was revoked too late.
So, I mutilate my feet.
As I walk across a silent street
paved with shards of mistake and memory
and dreams I could not keep.
I amputate my merciless hands
who have wrapped their thirsty fingers around
perpetual promises proved preposterous. 

I've wiped away
Bloody knuckles grasping
at fragments of the facade
I've tried too hard to portray.
I cut away at my nose
As it shows each lie I've tried to hide
The sickeningly sweet scent of suffering
when what I thought was  

Trust and Sincerity is finally seen
as just the means to a selfish end.
I gouge out the eye
firmly found to the left
The sight of a self-saboteur
bereft of potential whos given in 

to my masochistic moods.
The pain makes me shiver with serenity
The anguish of it so inconsequential
compared to the high I find
in my solemnity devoured.
I rip the right eye at the root
Leaving me blind to the seduction
of destruction.
I see no more
Only hear the painful screams
that teem with every punishment
I so readily inflect
on a soul I know as a shadow of myself.
To her I send my steady stream of hate.
I sentence her to the pain.
Let her relish in the shame.

Less Than

A man who

Demands 

to be seen as a man,

who speaks poetry 

but shows ineptitude,

is not a man.

He is, instead,

a petulant boy

while has out grown

his ability for

Conscience. 

Face Reality

Addicted to the Fantasy

Spent my whole life

Addicted to the Fantasy

of "Meant to Be"

Injecting hit after hit
of that drug called Love
Refusing to quit
Even after the track marks
left me scarred
Leaving my heart raw and marred
Coming down from the high
my sunken eyes can barely recognize
who I am anymore
Addicted to the dream
of "Happily Ever After"
Finding perpetual disaster
It's time to put the needle down
and delete the dealer's number
Before my soul gets buried six feet under 

Garden against Garden

One side of me is hunched

from the weight of The Watering Can 

that I've used to help Your Garden grow 

from little more than sand.

The first seeds I planted were Carnations,

whose sickly sweet scent burned my nose.

But, the sacrifice of My Petals 

was not enough to make the flowers grow.

The next time I planted Marigolds,

caring for each and every blossom until it hurt,

cutting myself on the rocks and roots 

hidden beneath the overmoistened dirt.

Despite the pain, I tended and toiled

with the Hyacinth I nestled into the ground.

It blossomed for many long seasons.

Then, it withered without a sound.

I did all I could to keep Your Garden green.

My body twisting as The Can pulled me down.

I planted Petunias and Poppies

just to watch them each turn brown.

In this last attempt to grow Your Garden,

I planted grass both tall and thin.

It grew vibrant and lush,

but the smallest touch sliced my skin.

One side of me is hunched 

from the weight of tending Your Garden alone.

When I turn to seek more water,

I see the barren land that is my own.

Shadow Love