- Sleepless -

I lay awake
in the heavy dark
waiting for sleep
to come calling
but instead
refuses to visit
like a stubborn child
who doesn't want
to eat their vegetables

- Escapism -

I dove into work
without a second thought.
Drowning personal struggles
in professional dilemmas.
Devoting every ounce
of myself to a passion
that can weigh you down
by the endless
outpouring of need.
I've stripped myself
to the bare bones
in order to bring
warmth to those
who feel so alone.
But now, I feel cold.

- Take It All -

Sometimes my heart
is too big.
It is a treasure chest
left open
in the center of town,
free to all
who ask.
And as they
grow richer,
from the jewels
crafted by my soul,
I slowly deplete
into an empty
shell made
of hollow bone.
The marrow sacrificed
in the name of those
who need it more.

- Relapse -

Love is like
the last few drops
at the bottom of the bottle
and I have the shakes.
Just wanting
one quick sip
to cut the edge off.
But when the taste
hits my tongue,
I can't hold back,
and the next thing
I know,
I've blacked out
on a bender
and can't find
myself all over again.

- The Line -

Know when it's
gone too far
Know when you
have had enough
Know when there
is less of you
Know when to
step away
Know when they
no longer belong

- Harmony -

We begin our lives
as a quiet note
played on the heartstrings
of our parents.
As we grow,
our own melody
is written slowly.
The chords are made
through the days
strung together.
Keys struck in the
harmony of memory.
We are an amalgamation of verses
penned by our choices.
Write your own chorus
and remember
everyone else is just
the orchestra behind you

- Trepidation -

Life moves
like river water
and we cannot
flourish if
we stand on
the shore
constantly worried
about the
current pulling
us under.

- Peacock -

You took her
plumage for granted.
You saw her bright colors
and plucked out
her feathers
to place as a display
on your mantelpiece.
You stuffed your pillow
with the down you
stole from her in the night
but demanded her to strut
for you when the sun rose.
Now that she is free,
she can unfurl outward
only for herself.

- Healing -

I’ve got that feeling in my bones
Right through to my toes
Like a piece of me finally knows
That I’m going to be fine in the end
Parts of me are on the mend
Because I know I can depend
On who I am at my core
Ready to finally enter the world of more
Than I’ve allowed myself to settle for

- Hope -

It's
a joke made
to lift us out of
a somber moment
It's
a bright green
blossom sprouting in
a blanket of snow
It's
a single ember
in the pitch black
of loneliness
It's
a momentous gift
often left
wrapped and forgotten
It's
a dangerous commodity
desperately sought
by all who have a need

- Withdrawals -

Every now and then
I find myself jonesin'
I get the shakes
as part of me aches
For what can never be.
Wishing I could unsee
the beautiful lie
that I can't deny
is the disastrous truth
of you.

- In a Name -

How does one reclaim
their own Name
when freely given?
Power Relinquished.
The Self Extinguished.
Absolute Submission
to someone else's
Composition.
A String of Notes.
A Melody of Anecdotes
penned in a hand
that's not their own.
She gave away her Name
and now lives with the shame
that she has no clue
what to do
in order to find her.

- The Forgetting -

Today, I forgot that we were over
and I wondered where you were.
I collapsed within my loneliness
when I was forced to remember.

I still miss the idea of you
that I held in such regard,
and the thought of letting go
has been unbearably hard.

The ache has, somewhat, dulled
but some part of me is lost.
The price of loving you
came at far too high a cost.

Your face is vague and blurred
in certain memories I hold.
Your laugh is slightly muted
as the flow of anecdotes turn cold.

I want to forget you completely
and be free from what you've done,
but by recognizing the pain of us
at least the healing has begun.

- Red Flags -

When the fear of being alone
Is more prevalent
Than the fear of losing
The one you're with
That's a red flag

When you spend more time worrying
About deciphering the truth
Than worrying about
Finding ways to live to the fullest
That's a red flag

When their wants and needs
Always seem to matter more
Than your wants and needs
Which are quickly put to the side
That's a red flag

When their presence is expected
To be more important to you
Than your presence means
To them
That's a red flag

When you find yourself
wondering more about your worth
Than wondering about
What they bring to the table
That's a red flag

When you see more
Red flags
Than you see
Moments of joy
It's time to walk away

- All in Good Time -

We spend so much time
trying to find
someone to fill the void
that we often feel annoyed
by those nosey voices
pointing out that our choices
are going to hurt us in the end
and we will spend
every waking moment
absolutely devoted
to those who bring us pain
because we think there's shame
in being alone
but little do we know
that true love comes when
you've found peace within.

- Grief -

while in the haze of grief
everything tastes a little gray
no matter how bright
the sunbeams high above
there's a layer of ash
that covers every surface
and each passing moment
where the clock ticks by
the sound of the gears
are duller than before

- Pieces of Me -

In my childhood,
I heard my mother's laugh
fill up a room,
so I stole it
and made it my own.
I listened to the endless jokes
that made that laughter roar,
so I stole my father's humor
and made it my own.
I watched my older brother
stand steadfast to protect me,
so I stole his loyalty
and made it my own.
I felt my younger brother's smile
warm every heart,
so I stole his joy
And made it my own.
I saw my grandmothers
look at their families with love,
so I stole the light in their eyes
and made it my own.
I watched my grandfathers
tinker, create, and build,
so I stole their curiosity
and made it my own.
I watched my aunts
and uncles and cousins
overcome hardships
and adversity,
so I stole their bravery
and made it my own.
I met my closest friends
enamored by the comfort
found in their own skin,
so I stole their singularity
and made it my own.
I am a patchwork
made of everything I loved
throughout my childhood,
and I have spent my adulthood
trying to tear it down.

- Role Model? -

They look at me
like I have
all the answers
I have
"age"
and
"wisdom"
little do they know
I am as
lost
as them

- Momentarily -

For a few
brief moments
between laughs,
pauses in conversation,
and sighs of relief
that I have known
unconditional love,
I forgot about
you.

- Tired -

I'm tired
of defining myself
by who I was
by what I've been through
by how I have survived

I'm tired
of holding me back
of wishing not doing
of waiting for life
to start or fail

I'm tired
of choosing
to not be more
to deny what I can do
to refuse to strive

- I -

I have
Changed some lives
Reached for the skies
Drowned in the rain
Pushed through the pain
Felt overrun
Melted in the sun

I can
Do so much more
Discover how to soar
Make a difference
Learn by experience
Be a beacon of hope
Find ways to cope

I will
Show myself grace
Honor my own space
Take time to rejoice
Seek out my own voice
Respect where I've been
Allow growth to begin

- Stop -

I see you
looking right through me
harboring on all
the scars
I’ve accumulated
like hoarded trinkets
I need you
to see me
for who I am today
as more than
my battle wounds
but with undeniable value
I want you
to treat me
with the dignity I deserve
instead of mocking me
through the shield
of this looking glass

- Betrayal -

Hurt has a funny taste
that lingers on your tongue
if you let the bitter residue
settle for too long
the acid of betrayal
will twist your palette
changing the sweet temptations
of future joy within you
into a sour version
of what you once were

- Fraud -

People say that I am strong

but they couldn't be more wrong.
They don't see
that parts of me
are barely stitched together.

Trying so hard not to come undone
while becoming someone
I barely recognize.
The storm in my eyes
is one I don't know how to weather.

- A Queen Deposed -

She was a benevolent queen

both good and fair.
She was always quick to love
and always quick to care.

Then one day a treacherous fool
dressed as a mighty king
wandered into her palace
with a great destiny as offering.

Without a second thought
she offered up her throne
believing she had found her dream
and wouldn't have to rule alone.

As time passed, she slowly faded
And his power took control.
Giving him her heart and light
slowly took its toll.

She didn't see her castle breaking,
blinded by his immaculate deception
Only when his true nature was revealed
did she find strength in her own perfection.

- Loss -

I'm trying to remember

what exactly did I lose?
Was it the feeling of being used?
The hours of Exposition.
The endless explanations
As to why you were
always disconnected?
You were always one foot in
and one foot out.
Did I enjoy the consistency
of being filled with doubt?
What exactly do I miss?
A man who saw no shame
in using others like a piece in a game.
Taking every dime to my name.
Robbing me of time I can't have back.
I can't figure out what it is
that I yearn for so badly.
Was it the constant bouts of concern?
Always twisted up in knots
trying to discern why I wasn't enough?
Was it how I was always so alone
even as you laid beside me?
Was it the worry that my home
couldn't keep you grounded
no matter how much I spent surrounded
by everything I thought you wanted?
Do I miss the constant insecurity
that stemmed from your absence?
Maybe I just miss the parts of me
I let you have for free
Perhaps I crave the parts of my heart
I gave away to someone
who didn't have the right
to know their fervor.
I should have saved that intensity
for someone who deserved me.
I think I've figured it out.
The truth is that I don't really miss you.
I miss the me I was trying to be
in the name of us.

- No Control -

I find myself so wildly angry

for still being hungry for you
having to constantly
remind my own mind
that you did so much more
than just betray me
but completely slayed
a faux masterpiece you created
I find myself commiserating
how much time I spend hating
that I'm still missing you
and wishing you were here
to celebrate my wins or pick me up
when the winds knock me down again
I'd cut out parts of myself
with a knife forged in lies
just to keep the idea of you alive
instead of the shattered pieces of us
those scattered shards surrounding me
eviscerating the dream
that kept me grounded for too long