- Loss -

I'm trying to remember

what exactly did I lose?
Was it the feeling of being used?
The hours of Exposition.
The endless explanations
As to why you were
always disconnected?
You were always one foot in
and one foot out.
Did I enjoy the consistency
of being filled with doubt?
What exactly do I miss?
A man who saw no shame
in using others like a piece in a game.
Taking every dime to my name.
Robbing me of time I can't have back.
I can't figure out what it is
that I yearn for so badly.
Was it the constant bouts of concern?
Always twisted up in knots
trying to discern why I wasn't enough?
Was it how I was always so alone
even as you laid beside me?
Was it the worry that my home
couldn't keep you grounded
no matter how much I spent surrounded
by everything I thought you wanted?
Do I miss the constant insecurity
that stemmed from your absence?
Maybe I just miss the parts of me
I let you have for free
Perhaps I crave the parts of my heart
I gave away to someone
who didn't have the right
to know their fervor.
I should have saved that intensity
for someone who deserved me.
I think I've figured it out.
The truth is that I don't really miss you.
I miss the me I was trying to be
in the name of us.